Lords and Ladies (2.6)

The meal is over.  Lord White sighs and shifts in his rocking chair in the den, trying to get comfortable as everyone crowds around him.  Books are stacked up at his feet.  He reaches down, groaning a bit, picking up the top one.  The pages crinkle as the old book opens, Lord White licking a finger before looking for the right page.

“Alright, here we go.  Come closer everyone.  I’m just going to start from the beginning.”  He clears his throat.  “Right, here it is.  ‘The Fall Of Zeus.   Ahem.  In the old days, the earthbound gods ruled the fates of man while the Lord and Lady, together with the Others Beyond Time, watched from afar...”

***

In the old days, the Earthbound Gods ruled the Fates of Man, while the Lord And Lady, together with the Others Beyond Time, watched from Afar.  And for a time, it was Acceptable, for the Gods of Earth had rightfully won their dominion from the Dragons, in ancient times, and the fledgeling species Prospered underneath their guidance.  Only the Others, Children of the Lady, imprisoned in the mad howling void between universes for untold aeons, were displeased, for they grew jealous of the Gods and curious of Man.  

“Mother,” they howled to the Lady.  “Why can we not walk among Men?  Are the Earth Gods not our brethren?  Let us loose, so that we may walk among them, and play with their Toys.”  But the Lady did not answer, for the Others were in Disorder, and they displeased Her’ no matter how She tried She could not replicate the Earth Gods.  The Lady could create the Stars and the earths, the wind and the water, gravity and magnetism, but She could not create Life.  All of her Children were grand Monstrosities, possessing strange moralities and ever strange angle, viewing Time the wrong way around.  Any Mortal who would look upon Them would be driven Mad.

But even the Earth Gods grew petty, drunk, and ambitious, and thus the Lady was ever more displeased.  The Lord said to Her; “these are my rowdy Children-”

“Our.” insisted the Lady.

“-Our rowdy Children of Chaos, and the Chaos is Beautiful.  For in that Chaos they can still Reason and form Morality, and Relationships, and Art, and Philosophy, and Think About Things Really Deeply.”

“But they will Break Down eventually, as all Chaotic Systems do; they will succumb to Entropy, slowly but surely, forever and ever unto the Ends of Eternity.  And the Entropy will corrupt them, and they will break down, as the Mortals do.”

Thus the Lady spoke true; in time, the Gods became more Corrupt, and Men suffered.  And so the Lord And Lady agreed it was time for a change; and the Lady sent One Messenger...

***

“Heeeeeey, Zeus, how are you doing?” said a voice.

Zeus, relaxing upon his throne atop great Mount Olympus, opened his eyes.  Before him stood a tall, swarthy, slender man in a clean and pressed “pinstripe suit”, which he would always maddeningly insist was very popular among threatening otherworldly entities in the distant future.  He was bald,  but sometimes covered his head in an khat headdress whenever he was feeling particularly difficult.

This appeared to be one of those days.

“Oh,” said Zeus, with great boredom.  “It’s you.  Leave us in peace, for I am busy.”

“You were taking a nap,” said the man.

“Busy,” insisted Zeus.  “I was just about to get up.”  And so Zeus did,, standing up to his full height.  He was big.  He was burly.  He had a beard and toga.  “Also, it’s Jupiter now.  Not Zeus.  Zeus was nothing.”

“Ah, yes, yes,” said the man, folding his hands.  “We recall hearing about that.  Big fan of the Romans now, yes?  Abandoned the Greeks, did you?”

“The Greeks were fun for a few thousand years,” said Zeus, removing a wine glass from the hands of a sleeping Dionysus and proceeding to guzzle it himself.  “Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff.  But the Greeks...They didn’t have ambition.  They weren’t fun.”

“Naked wrestling bored you that much?”

“Oh yeah.  Okay, they knew how to party, but they didn’t know how to conquer.  Except for Alexander the Great.  He was a pretty good guy.  Not as awesome as me, of course, for there are none more awesome than me.”

“Yes, yes, We know.  We have seen the Roman Empire, We have dwelled among your people, We have sold them quaint magical trinkets, and We have called them misogynist racists in the middle of a crowded street and watched what happens.”

“Oh, indeed? Well.  Stop it.”

The man smiled.  “No.”

Zeus sighed, exasperated.  “What are you here for, then?  It is always something with you.”

“Yes, yes, about that.  Management wanted me to talk to you.”

Zeus dropped the wine glass.  “Management?” he gulped.

“Yes, Management.  Come, Zeus.  Walk with We.  Talk with We.”  He put an arm around Zeus, and Zeus cringed at this.  They, indeed, walked.

“Zeus, buddy.  How long have you worked for Us?” said the man.

“...Uh.  I dunno.  Eons.”

“Strange aeons, even.”

“Uh, sure, sure.”

“I remember back when you defeated the Titans and won several major battles against the Dragons.”

“Haha, yeah, those were...Those were good times.  Good times.”

“Ha ha, yes.  We saw.  How are your sinews?”

“I still keep them in a jar.  How is Typhon?  Still dead?”

“Yes.  Lucifer says hello, by the way.  I think he is still recovering from Michael’s right hook.”

“Hahahahaha,” said Zeus, cautiously.  “Stupid dragons.”

“Yes.  Ha ha.  Stupid dragons.”

“Hahahahaha.”

“Ha ha.”

“Hahaha.”

“Ha ha.”

“Haha!”

“Ha ha.”

“Ha!?!?!?”

“Ha.  Ha.”  The man patted Zeus’ shoulder.  “Zeus, buddy. Excuse Us, We meant Jupiter, buddy. You’ve done good, at least by various foolish mortal estimations.”

“Oh.  Thank you, I think.”

“But.”

“Er...But what?”

“But,” said the man with a sigh, leading Zeus out onto a balcony overlooking all of the Earth.  Zeus spared no expenses.  “I’m afraid all good things must come to an end.”

“W-what?”

“Management feels that while you have performed a valuable service, you are no longer Right For This Organization And The Direction It Is Going.”

“What!”  blustered Zeus, lighting spewing forth from his mouth.  “What trickery is this?”

“The practical kind, Jupiter.”  The man shrugged helplessly.  “I’m sorry, man, it’s out of my hands.  It’s just the way things are going, you know.  Monotheism is getting big, so We’re having to downsize.  Maybe trying a little pacifism.  Oh, have you heard about Jesus?”  He patted Zeus’ shoulder.

“...Er, we met at a party, once.  He kept turning my wine into water.”

“He’s getting pretty popular.  And Islam will be along in a few years, so that’s exciting.  Though I believe Hinduism’s not going anywhere, of course, you could try shacking up with their pantheon until you get back on your feet.”

“Um.”

“There’s always slumming it as a mortal, of course.  Or you could come to the Outside and go insane with my siblings and We.  That’s always a good time.  Of course, Management is keeping Hades around, you know, he and Osiris do a great job and it really balances out Lucifer, so maybe you could head on down to the underworld if you’d like.  Maybe it’s time to patch things up, become one of those eternal judgment deities.”

“You can’t do this to me,” insisted Zeus, exploding a nearby vase with a lightning bolt.  “I know my rights!”

“We think you’re being difficult. We think you should calm down,” said the man, calmly.  “By the way, Management will continue to provide support to all of the women, men, and animals you’ve slept with over the centuries.”

“Fuck you!” boomed Zeus’ voice, as he threw a lightning bolt directly at the man’s head.

It exploded.

The man remained standing, calmly brushing a bit of soot off his suit.  “Ow,” said the man.  “That almost hurt Us.”  The man put a hand on Zeus’ chest, and pushed.

With surprising force, Zeus tumbled backwards off the balcony.

“Good-bye, Zeus.  Have a nice trip.”

“Ahhhhhhhhhh,” Zeus replied.

“See you next Fall.”

“Ahhhhhhh!”

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way down.”

“Ahhhhhhh!”

The man listened for the distant plunk.

He turned around.

“Eris!  There you are,” he said, cheerfully.  “We need to talk.”

***

Many days later...

The man descended deeper into the pyramid, through various traps and a few walls.  He checked the mysterious futuristic time device on his wrist, looking at the where the large and small hands were as small clockwork churned with them.

“Busy, busy, busy,” murmured the man.  “We are so far behind schedule.  And ahead of schedule.  And between schedule.  We should not have stopped to entertain that crowd.  We definitely should not have stopped to watch the bloodbath either.  Busy, busy, busy.”

The man finally came to the entrance to a chamber, deep underground, from where strange noises were coming from.  He knocks on a wall.

An attractive Egyptian woman with a cat head leaps out of an open sarcophagus.  A jackal head slowly rises out of the coffin after her.

“Anubis, Bast!  Oh, wow, you’re...actually sleeping together now, that’s...probably weird.  I wouldn’t know.  But good!  Now I can tell you both.”

“What are you doing here?” hissed Bast.

“You’re fired.  Both of you, and Sekhmet, but she’s even crazier than you, Bast. So I think that should come from family.”

Bast and Anubis looked at each other.  “...What?”

“You’re being let go.  It’s time to retire.  Don’t worry, you’ve done good...Mostly, so you’re both being let off easy.”  The man rubbed his arm.  “Just in time too, whew.  We’ve been throwing people off balconies all day.”

“What’s happening?” asked Anubis.

The man clicked his teeth in awkward thought.  “Weeeeeeeeell, you know, the Egyptian pantheon is really closing up shop.  I’m sorry.  Monotheism getting big, et cetera et cetera.”

“But,” Bast’s ears flattened. “Who’s going to kill Apep in the morning?”  Anubis patted her shoulder sympathetically, and hugged her around the neck.

“We’ve taken care of Apep for the time being, though some of His or Her Dragon brood will continue to mingle around here and there.  But the worst of them should stay out of the universe. And We already fired Ra.  Into deep space, in fact.”

“But the Sun won’t come up tomorrow!”

“Yes, it will.  As a giant ball of gas, the same as it always has.  Look, take it up with Management, I’m just a  incarnation of chaos and the Will of the Others.  I’m sure you’ll both be fine, anyway.  Bast, people love war and sex and...perfume, and Anubis...Anubis...” The man stared at Anubis for a while.  “Oh boy, Anubis.  You, man.  You.  You have the...the ears.  And the embalming!  Man, the embalming.  Big fan of the embalming.  And the...the weighing.”

Anubis glared, unamused.

“...Right.  Well, I mean, furries will come back in a big way later and cat girls never really go out of style.  In the meantime, Bast could always teach mortals how to kill dragons and the like.  That ought to waste some time.  And Anubis...Could...Ahhh...Uhhh...”

Anubis and Bast stared at him.

The man paused.  “Would you look at the Time.  I have to go.  Catch you both around!” he said, and vanished.

Anubis and Bast sat in the darkness for a while.

“I hate that guy,” said Anubis.  “I don’t even think he’s actually Egyptian.”

***

“Inari Okami!  Hey, what’s up?  Listen, you and We, We need to talk.  It’s really important, I...Hold on, got another call on the line.   Hello?  Yes, this is We.  ...We see.  Ahuh.  Okay, I’ll let them know.  Hey, Inari, you still that?  Sweet.  Alright, uh...False alarm, sorry.  We didn’t need to talk.  We were wrong.  You just keep on doing what you’re doing, with the kitsune and fertility and...Saki and stuff.  Yeah.  Alright.   Oh!  Before I forget, there’s this Native American trickster deity I think you should meet...”

***

“And thus, the old gods slowly faded from the public eye, and magic waned.  But of course it did not truly vanish until the time of King Arthur, where Merlin-” Lord White stops suddenly.  And shakes his head.  “You know, what, that’s a story for another time.”

“But I want to hear it,” says Kitty.

“Then ask me again some other time.  Or read it yourself.  You have a Library.”

Kitty folds her arms, glaring a bit.

“So anyway,” continues Lord White.  “Magic and the supernatural only played a very minor influence on the world for centuries afterwards.  There was the occasional problem with dragons and fairies-”

“Fairies?” asks Kitty.

“Fairies.”

“You didn’t mention fairies.”

“You don’t even know about fairies?  Fairies are a big deal.  Though they’re not as bad as fairy dragons.”

“Fairy.  Dragons.”

“Yes.  They’re fairies that are also dragons.”

“How?”

“I can’t sit here and explain how fairies work to you right now, all right?  Just accept that fairy dragons are a terrible thing that exist outside of our universe.  They’re rare but terrifyingly powerful reality warping monsters, the greatest among fairies.”

“Ahuh.”

“The greatest among all was Queen Titania.”

“...Queen Titania.”

“Yes.”

“From A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

“Yes.”

“Queen of the fairies.”

“Queen of the Fairies and the Dragons.”

“How can she be both?”

“Fairy dragon.”

“That still makes no sense.”

“Yes it does!  Be quiet!”

“...So did she really fall in love with a donkey, or was William Shakespeare just making that up?”

“I don’t know, shut up, I’m getting to the apocalypse.  So the world was...mundane for years outside of the wars and minor miracles, and then something...Happened.

“We still don’t know exactly what, to this day.  Maybe it was some cataclysmic event willed by the Lord And Lady.  Maybe the Others finally clawed out of the In-Between on their own without mortal help.  Maybe someone tried a massive summoning spell and botched it horrendously.  However it happened, what we know is thus: One day, a massive tear opened up in the sky, exposing our world - our universe - to the In-Between.

“That on it’s own would have been bad enough, but no.  Something came through that tear.  Something big.  Something horrible.  We don’t know how it happened.  We don’t know what kind of Fae Court fuckery caused this.  We don’t even know what entity would be powerful enough to do it, and that’s the most terrifying thing.  But it happened.

“Bits and pieces of Queen Titania started to rain out of the sky, like enormous meteorites.

“They crashed to the ground, some in the ocean, some in the wilderness, some into major metropolitan areas...If they had been normal meteorites, the damage would have been horrifying alone.  But these...Were pieces of a supernatural creature.  In full life, she warped reality, and even in her apparent death, the landscape of the Earth...changed.

“Whole cities found themselves moved.  Islands warped inland.  Continents split apart and melded together.  New life formed.  Ancient gods were reawakened.  A portion of the population suddenly found they were, let’s be blunt, wizards now.  It was complete chaos.

“When the dust finally cleared, the Earth had changed forever.  A second, black moon filled the night sky, changing the tides.  Most of our old cities were gone, completely reclaimed by vengeful nature with alarming speed.  Sentient, magical species more suited to the new world appeared, and drove humanity out of our homes, leaving us stuck in the few remaining cities that hadn’t utterly vanished, like this one.

“So yes, Duchess.  Magic is real, the world is dangerous, and the reason we’re all stuck in this peninsular city surrounded by ruins is because our planet has been taken over by supernatural creatures who outmaneuver and, frankly, may outnumber us.  Pieces of Titania are hiding everywhere and continue to corrupt the souls and minds of mortals.  The gods, at least, are everywhere, watching us, even granting us powers, but they don’t always have our best interests in mind and may want revenge. The Others probably still want into our universe, and there’s a big giant hole in the night sky just waiting for them to crawl their way into.  Dragons are real, but they’re probably the least of our problems.  And then there’s the rogue wizards.  Oh gods, the rogue wizards.  The fucking rogue wizards.  And the Siren Tribe.”

“The what now?” asks Kitty.

Lord White’s eyes widen.  “Oh my god.  You don’t know that either?”

“Settle down, honey,” says Lady White, patting his hand.  “You can discuss that later.”

Lord White takes a deep breath.  “Yes, of course. My apologies.  I am just getting a little carried away.  Work is stressful...I lead the Occult division of the police force, dedicated to protecting the City from supernatural threats.  I, like many in the Occult division, am a wizard.  As is our son and both daughters.”

“And I,” says Lady White.  “Am a professional hunter of the undead.”

“That’s how we met, actually.”

“It’s a very sweet story.  The pale moonlight, a quiet breeze, the moans of the undead in the distance, the sickening crunch as you smash the head of one in with a warhammer...”

“Mother, please,” says Eva.  “We have guests.”

Kitty blinks.  Yu hasn’t quit nosemining, and Annie has passed out across the laps of both of them, which has somewhat surprisingly failed to incur the suspicion of Lord and Lady White.

“...You’re still kidding me, right?” says Kitty.

Ben, Eva, and Lord and Lady White look at her.

“That’s kind of offense,” says Ben.  “Sorry, just had to say it.  I mean, I know you don’t mean anything by it, but we wizard-citizens face enough discrimination already-”

“Okay, okay! You’re wizards, I’m sorry.  It’s just that you just haven’t really...Uh...Shown it...I don’t really know exactly what’s offensive, admittedly...”

Lord White stares at her.

He proceeds to flip her the bird directly.

His middle finger proceeds to glow brightly.

“Aaaaagh!” Kitty shouts, looking away from the light.

More troublingly, the mark Lord Ilucis placed on her hand begins to burn.

And glow bright red.

In full view of everyone.